at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
