watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
