I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize