i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
