I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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