OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
