guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Who wears a wallet chain?!
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
