No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my being single is dangerous.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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