All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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