the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
