Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
