Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
