my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize