So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
