may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
there is glitter all over my balls
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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