I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
