swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Are we still banned from the library?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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