Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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