i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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