Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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