I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
