did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
