My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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