We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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