she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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