I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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