How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
