can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
