The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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