Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
