I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Enjoy the penises
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
