from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
