And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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