Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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