At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
