She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
