i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize