idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
