just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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