I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
