I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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