"it" just moved
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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