So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
