Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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