dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
