There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
