Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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