It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
