i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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