i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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