I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
