Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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