Best friends brother. Beat that.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
