I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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