fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
