I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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