She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
