That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
