shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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